Long before this feeling, long before this emotion,
When the magic was yet to be set in motion,
The first glance at you wasn’t love or devotion,
A distant gaze, far away like the endless ocean.
One of utter, nonchalance was my first look,
Unbending, and unminding in your direction to look,
Your existence seemed as forgotten as air,
With no concern of how amiably you fare.
Looking around, scouring for more worthy prospects,
Everywhere I looked, there seemed greater defects,
That my eyes were tricking me, I was convinced,
However my mind all the while never winced.
When it happened, it all seemed a mishap,
As I stumbled upon my own lowly trap,
Confused at the direction the wheel turns,
Leaving behind marks, and a few deep burns.
Hovering around, my eyes rested back on you,
Surprisingly they seemed rewashed and new,
Walking past the other faces like morning dew,
I finally reach your sight, long overdue.
I keep trying in my own small humble way,
To make you smile more, each new day,
Spreading your joy in waves across the room,
It seems the world knows neither doom or gloom.
To see the aura, and the glint in your eyes,
I committed deeds the world wouldn’t deem wise,
To make you joyous, there was no better way,
Even if in the process, I had to greatly pay.
The medals lost, the prizes sacrificed, seem nothing,
Compared to the smile on your face they bring,
My swelling pride upon seeing you thereby win,
Says, for your sake, failure is no sin.
I realize, I have all the while been swirling within,
Feelings begin to arise and subside, out and in,
Much akin to teaching a fish to rightly swim,
I linger around, trying to satisfy your arising whim.
Emblazing my every moment of life, thought and mind,
You play across every second, with no chance of rewind,
I project myself, my abilities and sheer dint,
Yet as I walk, I leave behind only your footprint.
Try as much as I can, I can no longer deny it,
The image of being forlorn, somehow doesn’t fit,
With the fragrance of romance, I’ve surely been hit,
Groping on all sides, for an outlet to this embracing pit.
I wish I could be convinced that this wasn’t true,
That love had no hue, and the sky wasn’t blue,
The truth strikes me as being bitterly pleasant,
The idyllic life, of love and the hillside peasant.
A life of great expectations, without any care,
Where every man, soars where no angels dare,
Where reality and fiction never seem laid bare,
And acceptance and rejection are too big to bear.
I wish I hadn’t got in at the first place,
Unable to bear its twists, and the searing pace,
To swim the tide costs all my reputation and face,
To walk out pulls my heart strings, setting them ablaze.
Cursing the cupid doesn’t bring back the times,
When your heart was measured in penny and dimes,
The lure of the happiness that drew me inside,
Seems to be dissipating too much far and wide.
No longer untouched by love’s staple wear and tear,
There were always times when you just didn’t care,
Looking into your eyes, beyond that glassy stare,
I find not, the least glimmer of the bond we share.
To see you each day look to me with growing hatred,
No trace of compassion, or tears ever shed,
The only emotion I found, was one of a loathing pity,
For, to you, I was just somebody, a non-entity.
A somebody, who in you daily life interfered,
A somebody you wished, long ago had disappeared,
Though no trace of this in your eyes have you shown,
That it exists, from you demeanor I have known.
Despite the hatred, despite the endless pain,
I was a somebody, who could never abstain,
To work untiringly, if just to see you gain,
Regardless of the recurring pain, again and again.
To hang around when you seemed very desolate,
Trying all I could, yet never being so desperate,
The waters of failure, washing down the feet of fate,
I just tarry to ponder, on how I reached this state.
Up against the crest, I try to stem the tide,
However, I have destiny, my master to abide,
Caught up in its fury, is my tattered fishing net,
No amount of repair, can it safely to the shore get.
Remember that in this candle, we are the flame and wick,
Burning each other, through every thin and thick,
Discard me, disown me, it will bring no change,
Without the wick, your flame will always seem strange.
All the while, I have never tried to approach you,
For the sole reason of letting you, be only you,
For the fear of seeing on your angelic face, a frown,
So, always maintain that smile, through life’s up and down.
I only hope this experience will allow me to be,
Since in my direction you shall never see,
Curse me, hurt me, abandon me to your visionary hell,
I shall still follow you, always you guardian angel.
You have never talked to me and mostly never will,
But never forget that I shall love you still,
Throughout your life and mine, I shall love you gently,
Even though, every second, you are KILLING ME SOFTLY.